Grief should not be borne alone

220,000 people in Denmark are affected by grief every year, and complicated grief costs society DKK 3.4 billion in lost production and transfers. In addition to all the emotional and compassionate aspects, there are many good reasons to take grief seriously.

Many similarities with stress

But even though many people are affected and that there are many similarities between stress and grief, the handling is very different. 

"Companies have gradually implemented initiatives, contingency plans and policies to help people affected by stress getting back to work again. But when an employee is struck by grief – for example due to the death of a partner or a turbulent divorce – managers are typically left without knowledge, tools and frameworks. This means that managers, colleagues and union representatives are often at loss about how they can support," says Anja Enggren. She is grief counselor, stress coach, author and former working environment representative. At a workshop, she told a number of Finansforbundet in Nordea's union representatives how they can support a grief-stricken colleague.

Double loss

One of the worst things you can do with a colleague in grief is to avoid them – and unfortunately, this is often what happens.

"Unfortunately, I often hear about people who have lost a loved one and come back to work completely exhausted and are met with silence and their co-workers’ reluctance to deal with the situation. The grief related isolation and the loneliness can feel like an additional burden in an already stressful situation. When grief sufferers can't talk about the person they've lost, it feels like a double loss – first they lose a life partner, and then their colleagues withdraw on top of that," says Anja Enggren. This can contribute to complicated grief and a prolonged grieving process. The exact opposite of what the organization wants and benefits from. 

More than 40 percent of those affected by grief go on sick leave, and many of them end up changing jobs, partly because they feel excluded and let down.

Grief is a full-time job

Grief can lead to many different reactions depending on the situation, the relationship and the people. They can be emotional such as anxiety and anger, physiological such as sleep problems, mental such as self-blame and worries, social such as introversion or abuse, and existential such as reflections on the meaning of life and death.

"Grief is a full-time job, and on top of that, you have to take care of your ordinary life and work at the same time."

Grief changes over time, but it does not disappear. The loss you have experienced means that your life looks different. A grieving process therefore typically takes longer than expected with ups and downs along the way.

"The grieving process is a shift between feeling, understanding and accepting grief on the one hand and on the other hand finding a foothold in a changed life, and often as a changed person."

Two big ears and a small mouth

Fear of touch and lack of knowledge are the most common reasons why we often do nothing when we meet a colleague in grief. 

"Many people are afraid that a grief-stricken colleague will break down if they ask how they are doing. Maybe the colleague starts crying, but you can't make the colleague more upset than he or she already is. It's better to say something that may sound a little awkward than to avoid them. You shouldn’t fix their grief, but contain it, and this is best done by being a heart with two big ears and a small mouth," says Anja Enggren.

Very few taboos

She recommends that managers and colleagues show that they are there – and make it clear and concrete. 

"Grief very often has a paralyzing effect, so if you tell the colleague in grief that she or he is welcome to reach out, it is unlikely to happen. But maybe there is something specific you can do – or you can take the time to listen empathetically," says Anja Enggren.

In general, we share more private things with colleagues in Danish workplaces compared to many other countries.

"But we don't have a language about grief. In Denmark, we have very few taboos, but we are not trained in talking about death and losing a dear one. The more we dare to talk about it, the more natural it becomes to talk about it. My claim is that if you can talk about grief at work, you can talk about anything," says Anja Enggren.